Kiss of the Scorpion

Kiss of the Scorpion | SCORPION.PK3

Mike "Impie" MacDee

This review is dedicated to Rebecca Heineman, who worked on the DOS version of the original Killing Time as well as the 3DO version of Doom. With her passing after a bout with aggressive cancer, she leaves behind an enormous legacy in game development. Rest in peace, Burger Becky, you’re an inspiration to nerdy transfems everywhere.

It’s a shame to see talent wasted, to see true artistic ability devalued in the intentional creation of garbage. Mike “Impie” MacDee is, or was, one of the great talents of the Doom community, but he was ostracized and banished to the community’s darker corners because he can’t help but make things like a BLM massacre simulator or anti-feminist hypno conspiracy gibberish. These games debase the value of the GZDoom (now UZDoom) engine and are an utter waste of Impie’s genuine talent in making Doom maps and total conversions. Nevertheless, despite his continued grousing on his personal website, he’s still cranking out “normal” total conversions, most recently an 8 Eyes conversion for Hexen. Not too long ago I covered Mask of Sobek, MacDee’s love-letter to cult 3DO/DOS shooter Killing Time; I thought it was a pretty good time. A year after releasing that, he dropped another one: Kiss of the Scorpion. And I just played it and lived to tell about it.

It’s May 3rd, 1945. Hitler is dead. Berlin has been crushed. The Nazis are on the run. Germany will capitulate in a matter of days. But the denizens of an isolated Bavarian castle are unaware of all this; they’ve got bigger problems. Namely, the curse of an ancient pharaoh, triggered by a group of Nazis seeking power for the regime (or perhaps just for themselves); fortunately for the rest of us, they forgot about the American prisoner they’ve been keeping down in the castle’s dungeon. You are either Tom “Beowulf” Cody, U.S. Army, or Professor Ben Applebaum; whichever you choose, you’re here on behalf of the Monuments Men, an Allied task force made up of soldiers, artists, historians, academics and architects whose job is recovering Europe’s cultural history, stolen by the Nazis, but you’ve stumbled on something much worse. Exposed as a double agent and tortured for days, you wake up one day to screams across the castle, and then silence, before you’re freed by another of the Monuments Men (presumably, whichever character you didn’t pick, though they disappear from the story after that.) There’s only one way out, and that’s by breaking the curse.

If you’ve played Mask of Sobek, Kiss of the Scorpion will seem familiar to you. It’s got a lot of the same stuff: a hub structure that you can explore; a monster roster mostly from Killing Time; elements of Realms of the Haunting and PowerSlave, though I spotted Rise of the Triad’s MP40 and there’s indubitably some other stuff; and a bouncy jazz soundtrack. But where Mask succeeds, I think Scorpion falls flat. Overall it doesn’t seem as developed as Mask of Sobek; where Mask had some interesting characterization (as shown in the sundry notes scattered around) Scorpion feels a little undercooked. No explanation is given for why a Bavarian castle during World War II looks like a fever dream of a casino. Your enemies, despite ostensibly being Nazis, are unchanged from their Killing Time sprites, which requires a little bit of imagination to make the hunters work as shotgun-armed SS goons. Given the bespoke spritework done for the game’s final bosses, it’s a little strange this detail was basically overlooked.

Gameplay-wise, I just don’t really find it as compelling. Mask of Sobek had a lot of interesting encounter design and a few really big fights; Kiss of the Scorpion meanwhile tends to cram narrow corridors with enemies and drops a few situations one might consider a little unfair, like the encounter in the dining hall after grabbing the orange key, or by punishing exploration in the first map: if you manage to find your way into a dark room at the north end of the map, when you grab the red key the game unleashes a dangerous and invincible enemy that you cannot destroy until the very end of the game but will chase you all over the map regardless of what you still have left to do.

This isn’t to say Kiss of the Scorpion is all bad. It’s still great fun, with some genuinely spooky moments (Killing Time was meant to be a horror shooter, after all) and a few entertaining encounters. But it nevertheless left me feeling a bit cold; it felt like MacDee, fresh off the success of Mask of Sobek, wanted to capitalize on that mod’s popularity and the hype around the then-upcoming remaster, Killing Time: Resurrected, with another Killing Time mod. But something about it feels a little rushed, or underdone.

MacDee is possessed of great talent; I’m not here to use Kiss of the Scorpion to denigrate that talent, regardless of how I feel about his bizarre politics. But it does feel like he was phoning it in with Kiss of the Scorpion, and ironically, more than shit like Straydog or The Cronus Camp for Wayward Boys, I think that's the greater shame.

-june❤

Castle Neuschwanstein

The castle grounds is made up of two parts. First is some swampy area immediately surrounding the walls; you'll need to traverse this to get to the driveway leading up to the castle proper. You won't actually be able to get inside from here, but you'll need to make a trip to the front gate anyway to get a key item so you can unlock the gates later. Once inside the castle walls it's a hectic firefight with lots of mummies and SS and other ghoulies, but you'll have the run of the castle from here.

 

Gate Crasher

This is likely the first major location you're going to be clearing out. It's full of SS guys and signs of Nazi debauchery, with a second wave once you've pressed the button in the Egyptian display room later. The toughest fight has to be the Gestapo ambush once you've grabbed the dagger.

 

 

King Ludvig's Oubliettes

Like all the best games, you start your adventure in a dank dungeon. Here you'll be introduced to the giant roaches and slimes lurking around, as well as angry monster dogs and some SS guys -- nothing new so far. The scorpions are a different story, easily dispatched but can murder you quick. And even worse is... well, don't go poking around in the darkest part of the sewers until you're absolutely ready. 

 

Torture Ward

The infirmary is dark and limited at first, until you find your way downstairs, at which point you can really get a glimpse of the depths of the depravity of the castle's denizens. Making matters worse is the chapel nearby, which doesn't seem to be in the service of anything holy.

 

 

Ghoulish Garrison

For a Nazi stronghold, the soldier's quarters are honestly really plush. Does the Reich know where its money is going? You'll be stuck downstairs on your first visit, but you'll eventually get to visit the upper level, including the cabaret. Grabbing the orange key in the dining hall triggers one of the toughest fights in the game, so be careful!

 

 

Demonic Hoards

It's dark and spooky down here, but early on it's just going to be your linkage between the dungeons and the gatehouse. Later you'll be able to access the vaults, which is a claustrophobic crate maze. I hope you're not scared of clown paintings... though they're not the scariest thing down here.

 

 

Palace of Poison

This is where the high mucketymucks in the local Nazi regime do most of their scheming; or perhaps the operative word is "did," as the place is now swarming with mummies, Ghostapo and something horrible lurking in the library. Don't walk in front of the projector if you don't want to piss off the audience.

 

 

The Man in the High Tower

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore... the final destination for Kiss of the Scorpion has you scaling the castle's main tower, which leads into an alternate reality where this nameless, evil Pharoah holds sway over the transformed Nazi leadership that once tried to sieze his power for their own. The initial fight is no sweat, but once you're in the boss room, you'll want to use the heaviest weaponry you've got to make the final battle as short as possible.